Christmas Update

I had a great Christmas, it was full of family, traveling, fighting and loving it was superb. I promise to update with more details and pictures later on especially once our big new years party happens tomorrow night. We've rented a hotel room with a bunch of friends and are getting liqoured up and dancing the night away at the hotel bar. Can't wait! I promise I'll write more and tell you all about it!

The weekend is so close I can taste it

So its Friday, I had to drive my car into work today that was the shortest drive ever! The traffic was non-existant, all those lucky people who are off work today because of the Holidays I envy you! Anyway, I got into work feeling not too shabby, half an hour later I'm all achy and feverish and feeling like I wanna die. The good thing so far today has been my boss giving me a present for Christmas, cute little cards with different games written on the back of them. Yesterday we had our own little Christmas party here at work, cupcakes were eaten, so was pound cake and cinnamon buns and we all huddled around our office Christmas tree and unwrapped our gifts from work. I got an IPod shuffle, an adapter so I can plug it into my car and listen to my tunes on the stereo and six different coloured skins for it. Way too awesome. I could not however for the life of me get it to work. The Boss and I were trying desperately to get it to play the songs I had loaded onto it but nothing would happen, nada, zilch, zero. I was dreading that I would have to return my new toy without even having the fun of trying it out! I did bring it home though and it turned out that I needed to update the little devil. Okay so I'm asking this, why in the world when you buy something brand spanking new right from the manufacturer itself, would you have to download something from their site to get it to work? And if this is the factor for everyone who ever bought one why doesn't it state so in the manual that you have to download this in order to get your IPod to be a good little music player and play your music. I was so fustrated. I did however enjoy listening to my tunes, two hours after I started trying to get them to play. Oh well thems the breaks I can't complain I got an IPod for free.

Now back to my sickiness and praying for the day to be over even though I still have to go Christmas shopping tonight in the craziest industrial park known to man around here. If any of you are in Bayers Lake watch out for my little blue Dodge SX 2.0 I'm going to be driving like a mad woman just so I can get everything done and go home to bed.

Merry Christmas all if I don't get a chance to get back on here this weekend!

Oh My God I'm Tired

Okay so this week is going by way way way too slowly, its Wednesday but it feels like it should be Friday and I am just dying from exhaustion because I can't sleep due to the mixture of excitement about the holidays and the break from work and also due to the fact that the bf is on holidays already and has taken to staying up late and waking me up when he comes to bed. I lie awake for almost an hour after heading to bed wishing sleep upon myself but the clock still clicks by and I lie, eyes wide open, dying to get some rest knowing that I have to get up early and do my whole routine again. I'm so jealous of those who are on vacation right now I wish I could be them ahhh to sleep in and do nothing but Christmas activities all day, such as baking and wrapping and visiting. I have to do baking still whenever I find the time my life has become one huge ball of hecticity. (I know thats not even a word I like making them up.) Anyway, on to my description from last nights hullabaloo. The bf went to his regular Tuesday night hockey but they were having a huge party afterwards at the rink with just the boys. The initial plan was for me to drive him to hockey and then if he desperately needed me to pick him up he could call me. However he changed his plans as he always tends to do. So he takes his car deciding not to drink and if he did drink he would get a ride home no problem. So I do my usual Tuesday night thing watch my Gilmore Girls and then clean up the dishes and do some work on one of my many hobbies, last night it was knitting. I head to bed around 11:00pm and am in a deep sleep by 11:30. Suddenly I am shocked awake by the bf yelling at the top of his lungs 'HONEY I'M HOME!' he was drunk as a skunk. He comes into the bedroom where I am trying to roll over and go back to sleep, bundling up in the nice warm covers and dying to just conk right back out. No such luck hes on top of me petting my head and kissing my face and pleading with me to take him back to the rink to his car so he can get his hockey gear. It was 12:45 in the morning and I have to get up and catch my ride at 5:30 am so I am quite po'd by this point. Of course I cave to his whims and drive him back to the rink to get his gear and his phone AND his wallet the silly nut. He is weaving all over the place when he walks so I have to steady him the whole time and not only carry the heavy hockey gear with him but carry him also it was nuts. We get back home by ten after one and he drops everything right in the doorway and heads straight for bed. I am left to clean off his hockey skates but did not put away his gear that will be a task for him later. I yearn for bed and its calling out my name so I get undressed again and just start to crawl underneath the covers when all of a sudden the bf heads for the bathroom like a shot. He didn't make it to the toilet but at least he hit the sink. I get up to help him puke the vile alcoholic beverages and food he has consumed out of his body. He direly wants to get his contacts out of his eyes but I do not, I repeat do not touch eyeballs, even the thought of doing so makes me shudder so he sets to the task but can't get them out. I draw up all my strength and try to help but he can't handle it and starts to vomit yet again into the toilet bowl. I am left cleaning up the sink which was disgusting by the way. Then set about getting him into his pajama bottoms and into bed. I finally got back to sleep at 2:30am after a few more trips to the loo with the bf. He's going to be feeling it even worse then I am this morning I know that. Still soooo tired though just want this day to be over so I can crawl into my nice warm bed, underneath my fleece blankets and comforters and curl up with my pillow.

Countdown to the big Holiday Weekend

Its Monday again, The good thing is this weekend went really well. I headed to the local shopping mall and wound up being there for over four hours due to the amount of crowds it was a madhouse in there. The roads were busy, the streets were packed with people and cars and the malls and shopping areas were just crammed with holiday shoppers. I finally finished all my stocking stuffer shopping and finished wrapping the gifts last night thank god thats over now all I have to do is wait till the big day! I was fustrated over the weekend though because I couldn't find a pair of boots, I had the money to spend on a new pair of boots but I couldn't find a pair that suited my fancy. I walked out of every store dejected and yearning to find that one pair of boots that catches my eye and fit my huge feet. Anyway I'm hoping today will go by fast, my cousin is coming into town today to buy me lunch so its going to be a good one so far I cant' wait till its over though so I can go home. Come on Friday!

Winter fun!

So Friday night there was a massive snow storm, it took me over an hour and a half to get home in the van pool. Thank god I didn't have to drive in it that long only from the carpool lot to my home but even then it was scary. Anyway, I get in the house to find the bf playing playstation as per usual hee hee and to my surprise he wanted to know if I wanted to go for a walk in the storm, of course I did! I love walking in the snow, its sooo much fun! Anyway we get all bundled up in our winter garb and head out the door. But as soon as we got to the bottom of our death trap of stairs (lots of stairs always icy) the bf jumped into the snow and started to make a snow ball, my mind goes right to snowball fight! I need to defend myself! So I jumped right into the snow and started to make my own ammo of snowballs but instead of receiving the cold and icy blow from behind that I was expecting I see the bf started to push his snowball through the snow. We were in the process of making a snowman! YAY! I, of course, had to prove that I was the best at making the biggest snowman bottom in the fastest time and I did. We ended up making the hugest snowman ever, it was at least six feet tall, I got some branches from one of the trees that had fallen over this year in the yard while the bf made the facial features on our monstrosity made of snow and dead leaves hahaha. It turned out amazing, pictures were taken, certain anatomically correct elements were added to the snowman and then taken off again for fear of offending others but not till after pictures were taken of course. Nevertheless our snowman was too heavy and it fell forward through the night, it was a blast though!


The next day we walked across the snow covered road to purchase our Christmas tree. Of course the tree was covered in icy snow so we walked it back home and set it out on our front deck to melt in the sun. The bf got antsy and wanted to get it in the house and set up but once we did it started to rain inside! The tree was melting like mad, we had to set out newspaper underneath it just to catch all the water it was nuts! Wouldn't you know just when you think you're done cleaning up a mess another one occurs. Our tree fell over! The stand we had for it was a hand me down from the bfs grandparents and it was broken obviously since the tree fell over. So I head down to our local hardware store and pick out the heaviest metal tree holder they had, upon getting it back home we had to assemble the stand and then set the tree up all over again. No rain this time haha. We finally had our tree in and got our decorations up and we were good to go it was great!

Moving no longer

So we were looking at a new apartment just across the yard from where we are now. Its just a little two bedroom place for 50 bucks more then we pay a month now. Not much bigger then our little apartment really but it had a yard! It was its own little home, with a driveway and back deck and clothesline. So we were planning on definitely moving in when the tenants moved out this month. The bf wanted to make sure our stuff would fit in the place perfectly before we moved in cause there is nothing worse then finding out on moving day that you have a maze in your home because its too small for all your stuff so we were in there over the weekend taking measurements and let me tell you this place was a hellhole! When we first went to look at it the place was crammed to the gills with the present tenants stuff but when it was all empty with only a few boxes left we could actually SEE the place and it was a wreck. The carpets were newer then ours but so pounded down and worn out it was horrid, there were imprints from where their furniture sat forever and rusted into it... ewwwww. Also there were random burn marks all over, not nice, odd and unusually coloured stains in random spots all over the place it was disgusting I almost didn't want to take my shoes off for fear of my socks melting off my feet. Anyway, we went about our measuring because we were in such shock to see the place as it was, while peeking into the bathroom we both realized that there was no way we were ever going to be peeing in there nevertheless going number 2. It looks like one of those bathrooms from the horror movies where the teenager gets locked in and the lights flicker on and off then all of a sudden an axe murderer jumps out of the shower but in the brawl they fall through the rotting wall in the side of the room. Just gross... the storage closet wasn't any better it had holes in the floor and even holes in the wall covered up with plywood and not very well might I add. It was a wonderful home for the resident rodents and stray cats that would definitely be able to get in at any given time through either hole. Just not us at all, so the bf told our landlord that we were not leaving our comfortable and homey apartment for that mess that they called a two bedroom bungalow. She wasn't surprised and we are happy so it all worked out to our advantage. One and a half more years and we're going to start house hunting anyway so I'm happy where we are for now.

My lilac painting I made for my mom for Christmas, I'm soooo proud I almost don't want to give it away! 

My Winter List

I am so excited that winter is in the air... you can smell it on the sharp breeze and the scent of chimney smoke and wood burning in peoples homes. The best indication of the Holiday season though is the Christmas lights. I absolutely love perusing the neighbourhoods looking at peoples homes and seeing how they have decorated for the holidays, some just have wreaths on the door and candles in the window, while others create a whole theme park in the front and back yards of lights and characters and those new fangled blow up creatures that loom over top of everything. They sway and jerk in the breeze coming to a life of their own without having anything but air blown into them its amazing and somehow irksome. Anyway I feel like doing a list of the things that I love and hate about winter so here goes.

Things I love:

- The chimney smoke rolling out of chimneys on a cold winter breeze, oozing out the top and dwindling into the night sky

- The smells and sounds of the winter season, the cool air smell, the smell of wood burning in hearths, the sounds of kids playing in the snow even the sound of the snowplows rolling by makes me smile

- Friends gathering together at coffee shops, all wrapped up in their winter getups pulling off festive mittens and scraves and hats with pom poms

- Milk hot chocolate with mini marshmallows and a candy cane as a stirrer

- The bustle of the stores as everyone gets ready for the Holidays

- Fresh baked goods of any kind just seem to taste better during the winter time especially when they're fresh out of the oven

- The times spent with family, just sitting inside, playing cards and having family time

- Sledding, Skiing, snowball fights, skating, snow forts and snowmen

- Getting a red nose and rosy cheeks

- The warmth of indoors and the feeling of cosiness due to that warmth

- Cuddling up with that special someone to help keep me warm

- Standing out in the snow as it falls from the sky, the feeling of utter joy and trying to catch the flakes on my glove to see what shape it is

- The decorations on houses

- Decorating my home and tree for the holiday season

Things I hate:

- The bitter cold that comes with the days that it never really snows it just freezes

- Wet feet and hands after playing outside

- Runny noses and eyes, we all get it from stepping out of doors and into the frigid air

- Shoveling , enough said.

- The storms that leave you isolated and without power and heat

- The threat of not making it home safely due to the road conditions

- The huge pile of snow that always get plowed into the front of your driveway just as you finish

- Feeling of freezing every last body part off after being outside, my ears, hands, legs, feet, nose and such ache and pin and needle when I come in out of the cold, icky feeling

- The worrying about others who have to travel in horrid weather

Thats about it for now.. I love it more then I hate it thats always a positive thing. Come on winter I'm ready for ya!

Life couldn't get any worse even if it tried

I had the worst weekend ever, but as per usual thats not a surprise. I'm starting to think that I need a change and in a major way. I cried alot this weekend and it was in part by the influence of the bf. I don't know that I'll ever be happy with him again, don't you sometimes wish you could go back to the days when you just met and you're getting to know eachother. When there was more good times then bad ones? I so wish I could. No matter how much I try to make myself happy and try to look on the bright side things just keep happening to make me so upset with myself and who I am and what I am. I've never questioned myself so much as I do now. I agonize over my appearance, a new pimple which I thought would have all but dissapated by now just makes me that much more mad at my body and myself and my life. I stress over everything, I feel all alone and I wish I could just up and make a decision already and change my life and start a new. I love my bf. So much it hurts, but I can't help but wonder if its worth all the pain I have to endure to be with him. Like the song says 'Love Hurts' but I didn't know it had to hurt this much. Oh god I wish I could be someone else.

Life is funny

I ended up laughing my ass off and actually being in a really really good mood last night even I surprised myself. The thing was there was nothing abnormal going on for me that would make my life any different but I just got to thinking about how thankful I am that I have a job, that I'm able to worry about having money to pay my debts and still have enough left over to do some fun stuff... it means I am making money and not stressing about where its going to come from this month. I'm also grateful that I have a family who albeit drives me extremely batty sometimes but that also means that they are around and there for me when I need them and thats amazing. I'm thankful for my wonderful bf and that he hasn't kicked me out of his life yet after all the mood shifts and the drama that is my life plays out he just continues to shake his head, smile and tease, and end up cuddling with me in bed every night. Life is good. I can't wait to go out and pick out our Christmas tree, just driving to that 'u-chop, we tie' makes me so elated and feel so much like I'm ten all over again, just dying to smell that pine smell and get pricked by the needles and stuck to the sap. I can't wait! I have only to wrap the presents I have already bought and start making some decorations for around the apartment and then I'll be in full festive swing. Another reason for my elation could also be the fact that its Friday and I absolutely adore weekends. Come on 4 o'clock and hurry up Christmas I can't wait to celebrate!

I am so terrible at updating

Okay so its been forever and a day since I've written any kind of post here so I'm going to attempt to describe to you whats been happening in my life lately. I'm warning you now this might be rather boring. Anyway, Thursday was my last day of work for four whole days, I was so excited to have that time off. Discovering of course that I have 5 days left of vacation to use and I can't use them in December I had to take advantage as much as possible. Now lets go back to Monday when I asked for the time off, my boss asked me how many days I had left to use... of course I said I have a whole week left! But the response I was looking for was not received instead she proceeds to ask me how thats possible, me taken aback think... 'ummm cause I have three weeks vacation and I've only used two of it'. My boss runs to talk to her boss about the whole thing and they both come back saying that I only get two weeks vacation but I was surely allowed to have a long weekend since there was a mix up. I should feel greatfull right?? WRONG. I was in a flurry trying to find out if I was mistaken that in my contract it had stated I get 3 weeks or not. Of course upon further examination my contract is no where to be found in the office. As soon as I got home I got out my copy and there in plain english it stated thus.


'There will be three (3) weeks paid vacation allotted to the employee'


HA! I told you I had three weeks its even written out! So with this knowledge in hand I told the necessary sources and my days were taken. Although I'm missing out on three days due to the no vacation in December rule... *sigh* oh well I'll know better next year. Anyway, thursday came and I was dying to go home, praying for sleep and relished in my late morning on Friday. I woke up, did my usual getting ready routine and headed out the door to pick up K macka for a day full of shopping in the city. Got my Christmas shopping done! Well really I have the bfs Dad left to buy for and then I have stocking stuffers but thats easy the hard part is all over with. Yay!

Satruday was an early morning and devoted to moving my grandfather and my aunt into their new homes, my grandpa has moved in with my parents and my aunt is now residing in an apartment on the other side of town, Lets just say it was a huge U-Haul truck and took 6 of us 5 hours to move it all. It was nuts. Sunday was another early morning devoted to family, the bf and I watched one of my younger cousins hockey games at the rink and then went out for brunch with my cousin and uncle on my uncles tab, gotsta love my family. Then my other cousin came over from a curling tournament he was in to hang out with us till his next game 7 hours later hahaha. It was fun though. My aunt and cousin came over to pick my other cousin up and take him to his game and by that time I was zonked. Monday was devoted to me and errands, but I got to sleep in. I love sleeping in. Come on weekend!

So cranky @!

You know what I hate? When people wake you up at 12:45 in the morning and fain being cute and cuddly and kissing you tenderly and holding you close and making you feel all euphorica only to tarnish everything by stating their cruel and petty ways. Yep so that happened to me last night. I was in a dead sleep until the bf came in to bed. Ten minutes later as I am getting settled into going back to rest my weary head on his warm and strong chest he has to spoil the whole moment by telling me he has decided that we are going to have seperate accounts on the computer so I have limited access to anything on it. I am super p.o.'d and he's wondering why. Ummmm hello! We've been together for two years and just now you're deciding to take away privileges like I'm your child or something. I don't think so mister. Nevertheless we ended up sleeping on opposite sides of the bed, with my blanket wall built up between us because I can't stand being near him and yet I am NOT leaving the warm comfort of the bed. The worst of it was I was up for an hour and a half worrying about the state of affairs with us... worrying about whether I really am up for dealing with this constant struggle I live in. I am really disliking my life right now and thats not a good thing. Stupid fcuking boys argh argh argh! Not only this happened to start my Tuesday off on a sour note but also the bf forgot to wake me up when he reset the alarm this morning for himself, so guess who just made it in time to catch her van ride to work, ME! I pulled up and blocked them in so they wouldn't leave without me. I hate today. I want to go home and curl up in bed and forget it ever happened.

Yuletide Season is near!

Monday morning yet again, sooo tired I need a change in routine. The bf and I are planning on moving! Yay! Not very far though, just across the yard to a new apartment but its something new and thats why its exciting! We're going to rent a two bedroom bungalow kind of thing. Its seperate from our apartment complex, has its own driveway and yard. So its like we're going to have our own little house, which I am dying to have. Anyway it won't happen officially till the new year but I can't wait.

This weekend was full of hijinks, Me and the bf went out on a dinner and movie date on friday night, saw the new Harry Potter movie, it was great! I love having date night with him its nice to have him all to myself for a night feeds my attention getting self quite nicely hee hee. On Saturday I headed over to Carebears place to help her move her stuff out, the place was a wreak, it is true that divorces are messy in more ways then one. Anyway my friend 'Lic from Toronto, who was down for the weekend, and I and Carebear dug right into the pile of stuff and started packing packing packing! Three hours later we're heading for food and then to the valley for a girls night out. I got to dance up a storm, chat up some boys and see some people who I hadn't seen in ages it was a great night. 4 AM I'm finally home and curling up with my warm boyfriend ahhhh it was great :)

The rest of the weekend passed by as usual and now I'm here at work and just finding out that I may not have as much vacation time as I was told first off. I need to find my contract to see if this is true! I can't be cut back without knowing it! ARGH! Stupid Mondays, can I got back to Saturday night please? That was what life is about having fun! *sigh*

Sniff, cough, oooo so dizzy

Okay so I woke up this morning feeling like I was going to keel over or barf or both... I hate that feeling, usually if I get up that way it just means that I needed more sleep and once I'm actually out of the house and on my way to work I start to feel better. Well this did occur and I thought that was my problem again, I just need to get to bed earlier... but not so, turns out I'm feeling so sick I don't think I'm going to make it to my cardio class tonight.... I love my class! I want to go... I tested out the waters at lunch if I could walk around downtown for at least a half hour straight without feeling like I was going to fall over then I could force myself to go to class. Didn't work. Feel like shit. Want. To. Go. Home. *moan*

Anyway, this weekend was a busy one. The bf and I headed out to Bayers Lake with his sister and brother-in-law for dinner and a movie. We went to Jack Astors, ate some yummy garlic bread, pretty much the only really great reason to go there hee hee... and then went to see the movie Jarhead. Now this movie was okay, definitely not your typical war movie, it was more about the camp life not about the actual war itself. I found it pretty good, but it was missing the action that I think every good war film should have. Not saying that there weren't really gross parts where you see dead people, unlike the sixth sense ha ha ha. Okay off topic. The movie was good, I recommend it if you're not into seeing people getting their arms or legs or any blood spilling at all. On Saturday, I headed to the valley for a day full of scrapbooking and girl time! Went over to my bestfriend J's house and hung out, made and ate supper, played with her gorgeous little 7 month old girl, and watched a chick flick. Ahhh the life! Got home late and enjoyed every minute of it. I missed the girl time. Sunday was devoted to laundry, ooo how I hate laundry, piling all our stuff into a basket and like two garbage bags and hauling it down to the laundromat hoping beyond hope that there will be at least 2 washers free or I'm going to be there forever. Lo and behold the place was empty, I thanked the lord and set to work. Two and a half hours later I'm heading in the door back from cleaning and folding and I totally planned on not placing any of it away hee hee... Never works. I tried at least. The rest of the day was a hectic one. Went to the curling club to watch my cousin curl, had my aunt and two cousins over for a visit, cleaned house and then made supper. Last night was the only night I had for me time and I took full advantage of it.

Grabbed some canvas and some blue and white paint and set to work on my next masterpiece. How I love to paint, taking colours on my palette and mooshing them together to make a colour I desire and then sweeping it all on a clean white canvas bringing whats in my mind to life. The best feeling in the world. The hardest part is waiting for the paint to dry so I can start on the next part of it. So I had to get at least four more canvases started hee hee... never the less our tiny apartment floor is starting to look like an art gallery where all the paintings slipped off the walls heheheh....Well I must go back to my illness and dizziness. So tired. So cranky. Want to sleep. zzzzzzzzzzzz.

Lonely Petals

Petals start to brown and wither
fallen from their place in line
feelings of sadness ensue
as the stem weeps petals on the leaf covered earth below
One petal holds on, waving madly in the little breeze
wanting to stay where it has settled and blossomed for all those warm summer days
as the nights cool off it would go into hiding along with its friends
but its friends are gone, the stem still weeps and the petal stays firm
wanting to leave and be with all the others yet comfortable and scared to vacate where it sits upon the stem
Indecisively it waits till the world decides what it should do

What goes on in peoples heads I'll never know

Scene: My apartment, 8:30 pm, just got done checking my email and am about to settle in for a night in front of the boob tube when all of a sudden my cell phone rings! (believe me, rare occurance on a weekday night unless I'm expecting a call which I wasn't)


Me: (After checking the caller ID) Hey Chicka! I haven't talked to you in ages how have you been? Whats going on?
CB (Carebear): I'm good, I just finally got your number. I didn't have it cause Chris had it in his phone for some reason and wouldn't give it to me.
Me: What the heck does HE have my number for?
CB: I don't know, anyway how are you?


The general niceties ensue and then we get down to the nitty gritty. Remember my post about a couple friends of mine who seemed to be the perfect couple but are not and are now seperating? Well this is one half of that couple and one of my best friends.


CB: So I went to a lawyer today and started drawing up the seperation papers.
Me: Really? So whats going on with you guys then? Obviously its officially over but are you living at your moms now?
CB: I'm mostly at moms, I come back to the house about 2 or 3 times a week to stay, just to pack stuff and sort out whats mine and whats his. My lawyer was telling me about all the stuff I am required to get when we seperate and he had said that I could get an annulment because he's not the man I married and that counts under falsehood or something in an annulment contract, but in the long run he said that it would mean us going to court and costing alot more money and time and effort then if we just got seperated legally and then divorced in a year so we're going that route.
Me: Well that sounds good then. So you're still at the house? Is he there when you are? Don't you find that really awkward?? I sure as heck would!
CB: We avoid eachother as much as possible and its good when I want to sort stuff out that he's here to go through it all. He's seeing his lawyer tomorrow, he got mad at me tonight though cause I wanted to check my email before I went to bed and he was on the computer. He's gotten really retarded with stuff. Did I tell you he's seeing someone else?
Me: WHAT! ALREADY? You guys have only officially chosen to get legally seperated. What the heck are you talking about he's already seeing someone? Who?
CB: Well he asked me a couple weeks ago if I had a problem with him seeing other people and I of course have a problem with that, cause he gave me such a hard time about making a decision about whether we should stay together or not and he seemed really torn up about me not being sure what I wanted, so I told him 'No Chris you don't need my permission you can see whoever you want' with a sarcastic tone and then he had the gaul to ask me if he could get a signed piece of paper stating that in writing! He then proceeded to draw up the paper and try to get me to sign it.
Me: You didn't sign it did you??
CB: Heck no! Anyway he called up this girl and then they went out for dinner and a movie the next night. He's already been to meet her parents and everything!
Me: Oh My God. WHAT AN ASS! Who the hell does that! I thought he was all upset that you guys couldn't work things out! Thats freakin retarded!
CB: Thats not the end of it, now I'm not sure on this but I got an email on our joint email account from one of Chris's co-workers, Sheena, talking about how people are losing respect for Chris and this girl Jennifer who he's seeing and works with, How there are rumors flying around that the two of them are together and have been together before, I guess he took her out for a night in the city and I mean a night. I'm not sure cause I haven't talked to him about it but I have no doubt they spent the night there. It sounds like they've been seeing eachother for awhile.
Me: OH MY GOD! Like even when you two were still married and together and all that!?
CB: I guess so.
Me: Holy Shit! I can't believe this, what an asshole! I'm glad you're getting rid of him. So he's met her parents and everything! Who the hell takes this guy to meet their parents whos married still and living with his estranged wife! She must be missing a few marbles then.
CB: Apparently she's got quite the reputation around work, they all say she's easy. AND this weekend I was in the valley at moms as usual and when I got back the house was spic and span, he had cleaned and he never cleans, so I asked him what was up? and he just said he had company, so I asked him if it was her and he said yes but what is it of my business, besides they didn't do anything and blah blah blah. I jsut told him they better not have been in my bed because thats just wrong. I can't believe it.
Me: Holy crap! Well Michael told me that he wouldn't be surprised that Chris got a gf in no time, he said that he always seemed to have one. I just didn't think it would be this quick this is retarded.
CB: I know. Michael said that?
Me: Yep, he said that Chris was always attached.
CB: I don't know what to think, I mean its just overwhelming you know. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I'm so stressed out I can't sleep. I had a break down at work, they gave me a day and a half off and I'm going to see a counsellor and if I need to go on stress leave work said that was fine. Oh and I'm getting a transfer to the Valley school board next year and moving back there.
Me: Really? Oh I'm going to miss having you around here. You know if you need anything just let me know, and if you need a place to stay you're always welcome. We have to get together sometime I haven't seen you in so long!
CB: Thanks Chicky. Well I have to go talk to you later! Have a great night!
Me: You too chicka!


I hang up the phone in total disbelief! I can't believe the nerve of some people who use and manipulate other peoples emotions to get what they want. When the bf came home we talked about CB and The Rat, the bf is friends with The Rat and when him and my friend CB got together, they introduced me and the bf so they broguht us to eachother and I was so shocked and appalled at what was going on with two people who I really enjoy and appreciate. The bf stated that more then likely thats why The Rat went over the edge like he did, in order to make it look like CB was the bad guy in the whole thing because she wanted to get out of the whole thing and wash her hands clean of it, and in the end he did it so he could be with that girl. We pondered different theories, Me totally hating The Rat for what he did to my friend, and the bf being more lenient on the matter of The Rat, he agreed with me though that it was rotten what he did to CB and that he deserves what he gets and CB should take full advantage of this new information coming to light when it comes to the divorce. I hope she takes that boy for all he's worth cause you get what you give and he's gotta get whats coming to him!

Who knew growing up would be so hard

So last night the bf and I had a chat about the future. He is dying to move out and get a house and get stuff all organzied, while I am yearning to get our own home too there are so many things left undecided, like our finances and exactly where we're going to settle down and set up house and all that jazz. So we're in the middle of talking about where we're going to move to and I was always under the assumption that he was willing to move halfway in between my work and his that way we have equal driving time, not to mention the fact that I've been driving out of my way for over two years to be with him and he just has to go 5 mins down the road but he is set in his ways and man was he ever uncompromising last night.

Him: Well if we move to Tantallon I'm going to have to give up hockey and working late is out cause I hate driving and if you want me to leave work early and end up losing my job well FINE THEN!

Me: Thats not what I want at all, how do you know you can't find a place to play hockey around where we are? And I am so not telling you that you have to leave work early I just don't see why we can't compromise on it cause I really am getting tired of traveling and if I can cut that time down so I have more time to be at home and when we have kids be there for them I would love it.

Him: We're not going to work out.

Me: Why? just because I want to be closer to work, fine then, why not Hubbards then. I just don't want to be on this side of Hubbards further from Tantallon, if you want to we can get a place on the other side of Hubbards but still in Hubbards.

Him: Well why not where Brian and Allison live, somewhere in that area right near the exit.

Me: They live down a dirt road by a lake! I don't want that, I want to live somewhere where I can just go down to the grocery store if I need something and like on a main road or off of it but paved, maybe in a nice little subdivision or something.

Him: Well I want to be around here, I guess I'll just have to live at my moms during the week then.

Me: Well then whats the point.

Him: Exactly.

Me: (under my breath) oh my god.

Him: Well I want to be around here and if I find a place around here that I want then I'm going to get it, besides its my money thats going to be paying for the downpayment on it anyway and I know I'm not being considerate of you and what you want but oh well.

Nevertheless the argument did not end out well. He has decided that I'll get what I want and he's being selfish and he just wants to rant and rave about not getting his way so let him rant and rave. Where as I'm willing to work it out and compromise on things, when it comes to him, if he doesn't get what he wants he's cranky and right now I'm at the point where I feel let him be f**king cranky I don't care anymore.

Trials and Tribulations

It seems lately that everyone of my friends who was happy and content in a long-term relationship have all decided to jump said ship with gusto! Our married couple of the group has taken to fighting without letting anyone else know, we always saw them as the happy, settled, getting ready to have kids kind of couple. They had the house, the cars, the dog...but little did we know about the turmoil inside of that happy home until they divulge that they are seperating and have been living in seperate rooms and sometimes seperate places for a while now. I'm amazed at how good people can hide stuff! Makes me think about how much I hide about my relationship, on here I hold back on some information cause I don't want to make this all about me and the bf, I want to make it about ME. Its my blog and I want to talk about myself like any good, upstanding, young woman should do hee hee. But in real life how much do I really talk to anyone about whats going on at home? Honestly not that much, I vent sometimes and and get advice but I never have told the whole entire story and I don't think I ever will. Theres just things you don't want people to know about, isn't that sad that you have to keep the stuff that really bothers you hidden? No wonder people go through so much turmoil, depression, anixety and the like... Well nevertheless its time to focus on my friends who are having hard times, relationships ending, Sides being taken and all out crying sessions where my shoulder gets wet. It sucks but I'm happy to help out when I can.

One of the bfs friends who had to get a girls view on things, came to me to talk to me about his gf who now resides in another province due to school, apparently said gf got plastered out of her mind and kissed a guy. Of course she told her bf what happened to relieve her guilt and her bf broke up with her and wants to know what I think on the whole situation. First of all, I don't know this girl very well but I know he really, really cares about her and this bit of info tore him apart. On another note its hard to give advice that I honestly wouldn't take myself so I have to state both sides of the coin, its a good thing she told him but at the same time since she remembered it happened she obviously knew she was doing something wrong when she did it and now she's relieving her guilt by telling him and really only hurting him more in the process. Its a hard topic to argue. I myself would not forgive and trust again too easily. I talked to the bf about the situation and expressed my opinion that its good that she told him but it doesn't make it right to do in the first place and I so would not want to be with someone I couldn't trust not to get drunk and go off and kiss other girls and think its okay cause they told me it happened, HELL NO! If you want to go out and get drunk and kiss other women then break up with me first cause I ain't having none of that. However the bfs view on this topic was if the person was drunk its not worth throwing away a relationship because of it, which in some instances is true, but overall its still wrong. You knew you were doing something wrong, you knew you'd regret it, you knew it would hurt the person you're with, so why, WHY in the hell would you even start down that road and do it? Doesn't make sense to me. I for one will not put up with it, if I'm loyal to you then I expect the same in return and thats that.

What do you all think?

my pumpkin skeleton all lit up and ready to be flaunted! 

My awesome pumpkin skeleton in broad daylight or really inside lighting hee hee 

Here is our Owl visitor isn't he a cutie?! 

C'est L'Halloween!

Its Halloween everyone!!! whoo hoo! I had an overly productive weekend, Saturday was devoted to getting my car in for its 10,000 km service check up. As per usual it costs a crapload of money, damn dealerships! I also had to order a bottle of touchup paint, somehow there was a ding in my nice blue car and of course Micha noticed cause he's the one who drives it the most. I get his old beat up car while he gets to drive my new one all the time... Ah the sacrifices of not really having the money to pay for a car and having him pay for it. Can't complain so I won't. Anyway, I finally finished my shopping for Christmas for the bf. It took me an hour of comparison shopping in the little mall but I finally did it! Yay me! I also went to the little paint your own pottery place this weekend and painted a bowl for Micha for Christmas. Took me 3 whole hours but I got it done. Had alittle bit of grocery shopping (120 dollars worth is alittle right?) and then headed home to unpack all my loot. The thing that just made my weekend was gutting and carving my pumpkins! There's just something about sticking both hands inside a huge orange orb of a pumpkin and grabbing onto the squishy innards to yank them out! I loved it! I gutted and carved three pumpkins and made a pumpkin snowman of sorts. The larger one on the bottom had skeleton legs and hips and of course feet, the middle one had the skeleton arms and back bone and rib cage and then the little pumpkin on top have the skeleton eyes, nose and mouth! It turned out better then I expected and I had to light it up to take some pictures I'll put them up here later! I was just sooo proud!

Other then that I cleaned the apartment as per usual and made Micha do the laundry because well it was his turn Gosh darnit! We had a huge argument last night cause he pissed me off royally that morning and we avoided each other all day which was fine by me. Sunday was a write off I was mad and upset and couldn't wait for the day to get over. Nevertheless I couldn't just leave things as they were between us so I had to have my say and get my feelings heard and as per usual the bf didn't receive this news well. We were on the brink of ending things, he was so mad and I was sick of him going off the deep end I was on the point of packing but after long agonizing minutes of not knowing what to do, where to go, we sorted things out, confessed our love for eachother and went to bed. I'm still feeling alittle rocky about the whole thing but time will make it better just got to look at the positive, ergo the fact that its Halloween!!! Yay! I can't wait to see those little kids come knocking on the door and the candy mmmmm! Happy Halloween everyone!!!!

The most amazin sight!

The usual work day goes by slowly for me, sometimes mixed up with random goings on around our little office. Well today wasn't just a little random going on, BP came running out of his office announcing that there was an owl right outside his window. Of course JG, My boss and I go running in to see. Lo and behold sitting right before us, in the middle of downtown, all non-chalantly perched upon a tree branch was a brown and white little owl. The cameras come out and the video cameras start to record the action, only the only action is the wind ruffling the birds feathers and the turning of the owls head, which if you have never ever seen an owl up close is an amazing sight to see. We were enthused but wanted more! So up the flight of stairs we go to the second floor windows to see if we can get a better look. Of course we do and it seems as if the owl is watching us too. Down below in the street we see people flocking out of their buildings for a look-see. Along with a very tall, very blonde male, photographing the whole scene with high priced cameras. My boss and I take to the roof yearning to get an even better look, and it was truly eye-catching the owl looked right at us and watched us move along the roof top towards him. He was spectacular, I was awe struck. We took pictures and just stood there gazing at him, hoping for a brief movement of head, a blinking of an eye, a preening of feathers and when they would occur the camera would start flashing. Next thing I know I'm heading to the door to bring the very tall, very blonde photographer to our roof to take some close ups of his own. He was from the Daily News on the way back to the office from a press conference when he noticed the commotion. After many, many pictures, he took down our names and we all headed back inside to leave the owl in peace. How awesome is that though!

Trip to Giverny anyone?

The land of the artists and painters, from one side of Europe to the other, I am craving Giverny France though. I want to stroll in Monets garden, see his unfinished work in his home studio, see how he lived and where he lived and all the inspirations for his art in real life. I think he is the best impressionist that ever lived and wish I could only see the world the way he did. I've tried to imitate some of his art with my own little flare but nothing compares to the real Monet. The colours and the play of light on the canvas come alive right before my eyes I love to gaze into a painting and get lost in the scene. I've always wondered what it was like in the time that Monet was in his painting prime, the fancy hats and clothing, the lovely flowers and the countryside that stretches unfailingly for miles and miles. How I would love to visit France, canvas and brush and paint and easel in tow and set myself up in Monets garden, right beside his waterlily pond and just paint and paint and paint. I've been to Italy, I've done Germany, Switzerland and Scotland even Bermuda but the one place I crave desperately to go is France. Experience the people, the life, the sights and sounds, the smells and nuances ahhh that would be a treat. Anyone going and want some company? How I would love to come and explore!

Rain, rain, go away

Okay so it's not so bad I love the rain but the cold that comes along with it sucks! I am freezing to death in my little cubby hole of an office and I know if I'm freezing now its going to get even worse come winter time. Anyway on to new events. I was late for my cardio class last night due to my van pool being home late. I walk in, get changed, grab a bottle of water that I desperately needed even before I started the class and then head to our side of the gym to join the group. Only to discover that we get punished for my being late. Ummm what?? Are we like in grade school? You're going to punish the entire class for me being ten minutes late? Yes, yes she was. So after getting leers from my fellow ladies and token male, I might add, I felt like running away. What a way to make someone feel great about paying money to take your class lady, hello get some sense in that head of yours. We're paying you out of our pockets for a service that you provide, you shouldn't punish us for being late, its up to us if we want to take part or not you already have your money so what do you care? Silly people.

I was home for Dads birthday Sunday, we all sat around and had a family dinner and chocolate cake with chocolate ice cream. You can never get sick of that stuff. My grandpa was down from Cape Breton and we had a big family conference about him possibly moving in with my parents. He's having money troubles and can't afford to heat his home this year which is really bothersome to me and to my family, we just want to help him and take care of him cause we're like that, but Grandpas proud and he doesn't take well to aide. Nevertheless the ball is rolling in the right direction and I think in no time everyone will be happy. Yay! I would love to have my grandpa closer so I can spend more time with him.

Well back to the rain and the dreariness and the (ugh) cold...

Curling and the game of life

I remember when I was younger probably around 10 or 12 I would go down to the Glooscap Curling Club and watch my Grandfather curl. He was amazing, he always had his own technique not following everyones traditional moves and he was always great at it. We had a big family gathering one time at that curling rink around when I was 20 or 21. All of my moms side of the family took the ice along with my Grandpa and we hurled stones from one end to the other using the only terminology we knew 'HURRY, HURRY HARD!' I can still hear my grandpa telling me the way to throw the stone out of the hack how to aim for the broom the skip was holding. Its one of those memories that will last with me for my lifetime. My grandpas gone but the memories are forever. I had him with me tonight when I was at the local curling club taking the beginners crash course on curling. I wasn't the best but I knew that the one time I actually hurled that stone down that ice and it hit the other stone dead on that my grandpa was with me and he was proud. I miss him and will always miss him but at least I have all the memories. I love you Grandpa, God Bless.

P.S. You were the best teacher I ever had and I love you for being you.

Disruption on the streets

There is something absolutely fascinating about watching a film crew film a scene right in front of your eyes. Thats what I saw today coming back across the pedway from lunch. The pedway is a sidewalk that crosses the major roads downtown, windows all the way from one end to the other so you can feel like you're walking on air. Anyway, they're usually full of bustling 9-5ers wearing their business attire, along with just the regular folks and tourists milling around town. Today was the usual on the way towards my lunch date destination but on the way back the pedway was crammed full of people all lined up along the left hand side trying to catch a glimpse of the action going on down below. Me being of the curious sort had to see what they were all gawking and clawing to see so I push my way to the windows, thinking maybe there had been some sort of accident in the street or maybe some sort of cop action taking place right below us only to find the street blocked off on one side and a film crew going about their business. I had no clue who the actors were although many around me were claiming to have met that person or seen one of their movies. I was faintly and unusually interested, its not like I hadn't seen filming taking place before it happens quite frequently around my cozy little shire especially during the spring to summer months but this was different I could actually see the actors this time where as usually theres so many people milling around you're lucky if you can get a glimpse of arm or hair. Too bad I didn't know who it was it would have been interesting. Oh well that was my excitement for today now tis back to the grindstone and toiling away at my desk while dreaming of being in movies. Wouldn't that be fun?!

Tired and weepy

So I didn't get much sleep last night I had every intention of going to bed early, the whole night I half slept on the couch putting off going to bed too early because I always wake up way too early then. The bf got home from his regular night of goal keeping at the local rink and the night just spiraled downwards from there. Its not a nice feeling waking up on the couch, the lights still on and left all alone. He had gone to bed, without even saying goodnight which means he's pissed at me, the only thing is I had no clue why. All I did was watch That 70's Show and sleep on the couch while he was on the computer and taking his bath. Never the less my night ended up in spurts of raking gasps of breath, sobbing, crocodile tears and trips to the bathroom to blow my nose while the bf half-slept, half-ignored me. I'm seriously thinking about what my life would be like without him. Would I be happier? Would I really be better off? If things keep up this way I may just try it and see. I'm sick of crying myself to sleep, I'm sick of the jekyll and hyde drama that I live and most of all I'm sick of not being happy.

I'll think on this subject and get back to you, depending on how things go when I get home today I may just be making the next step towards life without misery.

********update**********

We have come to a conclusion that a mixture of sleep deprivation, Stress over work related incidents (his work) and PMS have brought us to a regular routine of getting on each others nerves. Also the fact that we live in the smallest apartment known to man and the only way to avoid eachother in the apartment is to hide in a closet has brought us to the ultimate decision that we love each other and thats all that matters so let the turmoil proceed but the relationship will go on. Thank god for having a guy who loves to cuddle when I'm upset.

Does nobody make an effort anymore?

I hate, absolutely and positively with much venom, HATE people who do not make an effort. I make an effort. I try to keep in touch as much as I possibly can but it gets really, really annoying to be the only one doing it! This pertains to everyone in my life, my friends, my family and even my own bf. I love to talk to people but I HATE having to be the one who has to call or come visit or whatever why can't people pick up a phone themselves and do it? Or even write me an email? I mean come on. AND don't get me started on people who complain about me not getting in touch with them enough, HELLO YOU HAVE A F**KIN' PHONE AND COMPUTER why can't you get IN TOUCH with me??? hmmmm? Yah I thought so... got nothing to say now eh? I'm ticked and I absolutely feel like ostracizing myself from everyone and anyone, on a deserted beach on a tropical island with only servants to keep me company. That would be fine with me. So in the famous words of Eric Cartman (I know I'm quoting South Park so what?? got a problem with that... I DON'T CARE) SCREW YOU GUYS I'M GOING HOME... in 7 hours...ugh.

Just another Manic Monday

So the weekend went by in a blur! My bf and I headed to town in the worst rain storm known to man I almost blew off the road 100 times all the way there it was nuts. Anyway, we ended up at Future Shop where I ended up buying a Christmas gift that I had been searching for him for eras but never found at a good price, so what if he knows about it he ain't getting it till Christmas! HEE HEE We ended up at Pets Unlimited and are now seriously and direly hoping to get a couple of ferrets, I know what you're all thinking "ferrets are stinky" SO NOT TRUE! they are cute, cuddly and they only smell if you wash them too much. So we have priced the accessories we need for them to live comfortably, or as most people would say spoiled rotten, and we've decided that we are going to get them when we get back from our trip in Vegas next April. Of course we have yet to clear it with the landlord but hey we can still plan right up until the moment our dreams get crushed right? Anyway after all the rampaging at the Pets Unlimited where we unleashed some of the ferrets in the store, they are a definite handfull but still sooooo cute!, we headed to over to Dans house so I could drop Hun off for a diaper party he was going to, for those of you who have never heard of a diaper party its like a baby shower for guys but instead of doing the usual things you just bring diapers and beer hahaha, I dropped Hun off at the apartment along with all his overnight stuff which I knew he wasn't going to use cause he hates sleeping over anywhere, and headed to my parents house to visit and do laundry. 11:30 pm comes around and I get a call from a very intoxicated Hun asking me to come get him and Dan and one of his friends. So in the middle of a thunder and lightning storm along with pouring rain I drove to get them. When I got there, the place reeked of Mary Jane and Dan was passed out on the couch wearing depends underwear and a fuschia coloured lacy bra! Too funny! The funniest part was trying to take that off every guy tried but of course the woman had to do the job right hahaha. It took Dan twenty minutes to get up off the couch and then another twenty to barf his brains out in the bathroom and then we were headed to his home to take him to his very pregnant gf. Ten minutes later my Hun comes downstairs wanting to go home to our home, it wasn't happening, too wet, too windy and I wasn't in the mood to drive anymore in that. So we ended up back at my parents house where my Hun entertained my mom and dad and then, with my help, crashed in the bed and was out like a light, the cutie. Aww times like these make me realize how much I do love that Man.

On another note I was walking to the superstore on the other side of town today at lunch, just walking nonchalantly behind this older fellow, he was wearing a big black rain coat and carrying an umbrella and constantly looking over his shoulder at me. I wasn't however going to try to run past him he was going a good click and I was fine with the pace I was settled into but he kept looking over his shoulder at me, then look ahead and then back at me it was driving me nuts. So finally he stopped over to the side and fiddle with his umbrella but mostly to let me pass because as soon as I did he started walking again. I think that its so funny that some people get so antsy about having someone walk behind them. Can you imagine what life would be like for them in a big city like Toronto for example where there is no chance in hell that you wouldn't have people walking behind you downtown? Hee hee. Anyway that's my silliness for the day. I'm tired and can't wait to go home and I've got my taebo/aerobic class today so its time for me to bruise my muscles royally! hahaha. Have a great one!

Days like these

Okay so its friday again, how come I'm not more excited? All week I was praying for this day to come and now that its here I could care less. I've been counting down the hours all week from the time I woke up till the time I got home from work and even then when I was home relaxing I was counting the hours till I went to bed and then started the day all over again. The days go by but nothing interesting has happened to me. My life has become mundane. I used to be so busy, I used to have a life and go out and have a ton of people to call. But the list is shorter and no one wants to go anymore, no one wants to come over and hang out, no one wants to go out and dance, no one wants to do anything. Well I'm sure they do stuff but not with me. How sad do I feel? Very. I long for the times when all I had to do was show up at a bar and I knew there was at least five people there that I would know and could have fun with. Now I walk into a bar and I know nobody, NOBODY.
The biggest thing for me on the weekend is figuring out when I have time to do the laundry and clean the house. Ugh domestication sucks! Anyway, thats how it is, life gets old and I get old and time goes by and I'll still be mundane. I can see me 40 years from now sitting on the porch reading a book, wrapped up in a throw and rocking in a rocking chair. Thats not a bad image to have of myself in the future but when I do that now does that say something about me? I think so. HA HA. Well time to live more of my life and watch the hours go by.

The turnaround

I've been avoiding everyone lately, I haven't felt like talking to anybody about anything although at the same time I'm seeing more people this week then I have in over two months but yet I still haven't said much about me and what I'm doing and HOW I'm doing I'm avoiding the subject cause I really don't know how I am. I know that sounds weird but I have no freakin' clue how I am. I'm cranky and bored and just want to shut the world out and so thats what I've been up to. My hun is feeling the after affects of it, he's trying his darnedest to make me react to him but I just don't have it in me. I don't feel like smiling, even though a fake one seems to suffice, I don't feel like laughing or talking or having any contact at all I just want to be left alone. All alone. I wish I could take a trip somewhere by myself in a cottage in the back woods, sounds like the beginnings of a cheesy horror flick but anyway, I just want to get away and not have to focus on anyone but me. I don't want to deal with my friends, my family or my bf I just want to be with me. How crazy does that sound? Pretty crazy. *sigh* come on weekend so I can hole up in my bed and never come out.

Weekends go by so quickly

So the weekend is over yet again only four more days till the next one. This weekend was full of turkey, tons of food and a ton of family and friends. I spent Friday night out in the valley partying with the girls at our local night club, dancing the night away, getting free drinks and having fun. It was the regular routine find some boys dance the night away with them and then making them take us out for pizza afterwards. The night was complete at 3:30 am hee hee. I however was quite sober by the time we got back to my friends place and so desperately wanted to cuddle up next to my strong and cuddly bf that I drove home and finally hit the bed at 4:15am. Ahhh how I love to be held by him. Anyway, Saturday was his families thanksgiving dinner, tons of food and lots of conversation along with a heated game of hide and go seek with his little cousin it was a blast! Then off to the movies and home for the night. Sunday was my family dinner, and let me tell you my family dinner is an event in itself, 26 people altogether gathering around the food buffet set out all around the kitchen, appetizers everywhere you turn and kids running around having fun I just love it. All in all the weekend was great, some turmoil was had between me and my guy but it works itself out over time. Now I'm back here stuck at work toiling away on my blog cause I don't feel like doing anything but going back home and going to bed. I miss my comfy blankets and pillows and my cuddly bf. *sigh* another day another dollar.

Why?

Why is it when you look so forward to a weekend coming and you're just thinking about all your plans and what you have to do and where you're going to go and who you're doing it with you wind up sick? Thats how I'm feeling today, sick, malevolent and drained. A part of me is dying to still go out and to hell with the consequences and most likely thats what I'll end up doing but I think by the end of it all I'm going to end up in outpatients. I am sooo not feeling well... Well I will keep you posted (hee hee not too ill to make a pun so I definitely can go out and party all hours of the night and feel fine right? We'll see)

Well hello Thursday!

Its almost the long weekend thank the lord! Anyway, I love thursdays now cause I get to gossip and yak and eat with one of my good friends from school. Well today we were wandering down the street and doing some people talking and watching...we hit up the local pita place that has pitas I adore but sometimes the price gets alittle too much for a little pita and a can of pop. Anyway my vow to not buy anything for lunch and to just sit and gab to my friend El went out the door as soon as we stepped in. The place is just so tempting... anyway one small pita and a can of pop later we're sitting and gabbing about the old days. I miss the old days, have you ever noticed that no matter how much fun you have on any given day if you meet up with one of your good friends and one of you starts to get nostalgic both of you start and it just keeps going and going... well thats what happened, we talked for over an hour about the good times we had in school and out of school and it just makes you miss them even more. But it always seems that when you talk about the old days they always seem so much better then the present times. Well thats how I'm feeling today, nostalgic, missing the old times with the regular crews and wishing that I had a time machine to go back and do them all over again. Ahhh memories are great!

Anyway, tomorrow is going to be another one of those memory maker outings cause my good friend Lic is coming home from Toronto for the weekend and we're hitting that regular haunt and fighting off the regular crowd of men hahaha... can't wait for the boozing and schmoozing to begin! Come on friday!!!

So confused

I don't know what to do... someone give me some incite! Okay I should explain the dilemma, my other half has been doing something all summer that I totally do not approve of and am entirely threatened by which makes me mad that it makes me so insecure cause I am a secure person and I trust sometimes way too easily. He's been doing this, we'll call it "camming", for at least three months that I know of and the only reason I ever found out was by chance although of course he thought I was snooping but I tell you all right now I do not snoop I think being oblivious is sometimes the best thing ever but since I accidentally uncovered his secret and confronted him with it I've been so insecure that I have caught myself questioning his every action, move and word. He's lied and has continued to lie to me on a regular basis and he thinks I'm dumb enough to fall for it, I have to give him some credit he has told me about "camming" when I confronted him but only the truth that he wanted to tell not all of it. It pisses me off so much that he does that, how can we have a stable commited relationship if he lies?? How can I ever trust him totally if I know that he's lying but am too chicken to confront him on it?? ARGH!

So I'm at a loss as to what to do, the "camming" had stopped for awhile when he held true to his word for once and told me all about what was going on and that he was waiting to find out the verdict before he went forward with it, but now he's found out that he benefits and he wants to do it and I don't want him to. I know I'm wrong on not letting him do what he wants but I hate it I hate the way it makes me feel I hate the insecurity and the lying and the discovering information by seeing him doing something while he claims he's somewhere else and it makes me so mad but mostly it makes me so sad and depressed and down on myself and just overall like s**t.... isn't the person who is supposed to love me with all his heart supposed to want to make me happy? Isn't he supposed to sacrifice things for me like I do for him? So anyway he says he won't do it cause theres no point in doing it cause it makes me unhappy but I can tell in the tone in his voice that he's pissed off about it and that in the end what he's going to end up doing is doing it anyway and lying even more and covering himself up even more and pulling away even more... I am so lost... I am so hurt... I am so UNHAPPY.... I think that sometimes maybe we should end things, maybe the compromises are too much for both of us, maybe he deserves someone else who will put up with this crap and maybe I deserve someone better than him. I love him so much and I really and honestly, deep down never want to let him go but I want him to stop "camming" I'll do anything to make him stop. *sigh* Vent session over. If anybody ever reads this I welcome any help you have to give.

Come on weekend!

Howdy all! Well I am dying, not literally but I'm just dead tired, I headed out to my cardio program last night at the local high school and nearly keeled over. The worst part about it is I go straight from the van ride home to the school and then have to change and don't really have time to do anything before the class starts but at least I won't have a chance to think about whether or not I want to go today cause I'll already be there and theres no point in going back hahaha. Anyway, we had a new instructor and she was a maniac! It started out fine just doing the regular aerobic impact stuff then all of a sudden she's throwing in claps and knee lifts and twirls while half of us are still back at the toe tapping part, nevertheless I was tired as hell by the time I was finished but it felt good. The best part is when I got home K macka was over again as usual and as per the usual visits my bf is stuck in front of the television playing playstation with him. I was hoping he had made dinner for me cause I was starving but was so not in the mood to cook after I had finished my shower and all that. Well wouldn't you know it the bestest bf in the world told me supper was ready and waiting for me! Yay! awww I love him. I know sappy I'll stop hahaha.

On another note the long weekend is coming up and I am dying to go out dancing with the girls! My friend from Ontario is coming home and we're hitting our old haunts and having some fun I am soooo excited and can't wait to get my groove on! Come on Friday!

Christmas shopping starts early

I have officially started shopping for everyone! Yay! I think I have the task at hand pretty much under control well at least I have a list made and a list of what I already bought people so I don't end up forgetting again like last year and buying two gifts hahaha. Anyway I have started and I feel really good about getting this Christmas thing nipped in the butt my Visa is soooo going to take a bashing this Christmas but that's what its for right? hee hee.

On another note yesterday night was great! Our regular visitor K macka came over for his usual night with us. I should explain this. My bfs good friend K macka has taken to coming over to our apartment every Monday and Thursday night to chill with us. It was a welcome occasion especially when said bf was out all week doing extra work with his brother-in-law and me left at home to fend for myself in utter boredom at least I knew that on Mondays and Thursdays I'd have someone to hang with for sure. Its like an old reliable blanket, you love it when you need it but sometimes it gets really old... anyway we went through a period where I was getting kind of sick of having someone over all the time and having to be home just in case this person showed up cause I would feel so bad if he came up and nobody was home. I got past this period though and look forward to having K macka over for chat night. Lately my bf has been home more so him and K macka usually end up playing playstation all night or some other such thing but at least its fun. Well we were just sitting down to enjoy the wonderful Family Guy movie which I direly want to see, when my bfs sister Shell comes over to use the internet. To elaborate on this point it was more like she came over to get us to help her with the internet because she is very computer illiterate hee hee, I love the girl to death though and I was more then happy to help her look up whatever she wanted. We are currently in the planning stages of heading to Las Vegas as one huge group, well my bfs side of the family is, they all want to go in April so Christmas on that side has been called off this year so they can save the funds to go and I am all gung ho with that. My bf and I are still buying stuff for eachother just because I have already started and I love giving gifts its the best thing in the whole world! Anyway off track lets go back to the story at hand, Shell was looking for the hotels that the Travel Agent was looking into for us, and there was this one hotel called Mirage that is absolutely amazing! We are vying for that one cause it is soooo nice! After all this hotel perusing I am craving this vacation soooo badly... We were about to shut down the computer when Shell asked me to show her The Ring that I want. Now The Ring is exactly what you think it is.. it is my future wedding set and I am absolutely head over heels for it!

I know this is what I'm getting but the question is when... I'm not saying that I am dying to have it any time soon but sometimes a girl just wishes she had it so she could show everyone. Well my bf is a great guy and he has already told me that if its what I want then its what I'm getting but he is going through a period in his life where he's happy where everything is in our relationship and its gone alittle stagnant for me. My theory is if we know its going to happen someday why do we have to wait so long for it... I just want the Engagement ring for the moment, we can think about the other stuff later, but he's on this whole 5 year plan thing... and we have to get a house first and all that jazz... and I'm totally into that too but theres parts of me that want that ring so bad that I can taste it... and the fact that I'm even thinking that means something for me. If you ask anyone of my good friends they would tell you that I am not the one who talked about getting married and having a house and kids until the day I met my Micha. Anyway back to Shell, she just loved the ring and she can't wait till I get it either hee hee. Aww to dream, the best thing in the world is daydreaming about your future.

I love an apology

I got home yesterday still alittle bit pissed off from what happened the night before and all ready to avoid the cause of my pissed-offness as soon as he got home but he did what he always does, Wins me over. I was sitting on our couch when he got home and he automatically was all smiles which usually means that hes trying to cheer me up cause he knew he did something or said something wrong. Two seconds later he is cuddling next to me on the couch and hurray apologizing for what happened. Obviously he was feeling crappy all day about what he did and said and it weighed on his mind so much he had to clean the air as soon as he got home. Gotta love when they think about you continuously throughout the day that they start to actually think about their actions towards you and regret them. Anyway to make a long story short things are resolved and back to normal, the issue has yet to be discussed in full blown detail but instead of him placing the blame all on me he has come to the understanding that its both our faults and we both need to work on resolving it. Ahhh I hit that curve ball dead on this time.

On another note have you ever noticed that when you are dying to go to sleep but can't because your mind won't stop working you tend to be crankier in the morning? This happened to me last night and boy was I cranky when I woke up, not in one of those I'm going to bite your head off ways but one of those I don't feel like smiling at all ways. I wish I had a switch that I could just press when I want to go to sleep and shut down my thought processes. I wasn't even thinking about anything substantial it was just randomness that wouldn't stop swirling in my brain! Well whatever I'm cranky and I don't feel like writing anymore so I'm stopping.

I hate lifes huge pot holes!

So as you can tell I'm having a really s**tty day. I feel like I'm living a lie sometimes, like my life has taken a course I haven't travelled in forever but I'm stuck on the track meanwhile my brain wants to veer totally off course and strike out on its own. The emotions of turmoil from within cause my heart to pound one second and then die to almost nothing the next all the while my shell of a body goes through my usual mundane schedule of daily life accordingly. I keep getting thrown curveballs left, right and centre and no matter how much I think I'm prepared for them I can never connect with one and make a perfect hit *sigh* I sometimes wish I could have a closet fortune teller who could tell me the future and tell me which path is the best path to choose for me but at the same time I believe we all have a destiny and no matter what everyday life throws at us we'll all end up at where we were pre-destined to be. I am so conflicted with life, mostly my homelife at the moment I'm at a total loss as to what to do with it, no matter how hard you try to be something for someone else at the end of it all you're not happy cause you weren't yourself and maybe you made that person happy for one measly second but the next day if you go back to being you the maniacal cycle starts all over again. Always ending with someone being put out and hurt. ARGH! Matters of the heart are so hard to deal with, especially if you are engrossed in another individual as much as I am that you can't picture life without them in it. I hate being torn but at the same time it makes me feel something at least and that's always better then feeling nothing at all. The worst part of everything is trying to communicate with someone who doesn't feel as open about it as you do. Trying to crack that outer shell and get to that special nut. My shells been cracked and my nut is showing and every time it gets marred it starts to piece its shell back together around itself for protection. I want to be back in my safe cosy shell but at the same time I want to be out and free.

I'll leave with this piece of advice: No matter how tough things are between two people who really care about eachother at the end of it all there's love and if the love isn't there you will know by the actions you take on that make you build not one shell around yourself but two or even three, if you totally shell yourself up from the person in question and never let it budge then its time to find another who you can open your shell up again. I know from experience that once you find that someone who no matter how many hard times you go through you still have a missing piece left after you start to build your shell, even a meagre little space where you're still peeking through then you have found someone you belong with. Someone who makes it extremely impossible no matter what to build an entire shell up to protect yourself from. Hold tight to those ones, times are tough sometimes but at the end of it all there's true love.

It's raining its pouring I wish I could be snoring...

So its a rainy and dreary day, everyone gets into a mood, I however highly enjoy the rain. I honestly wish we could have an all out thunder and lightning show performed live by mother nature but alas I am jilted. I took on my regular routine of walking to my moms work for lunch today and wouldn't you know as soon as I step out the door the skies open upon my head. Unlike most people though I relish in the rain, I love to hear the drops hit the top of my hood and bounce up from the sidewalk as I walk up the hill. After a filling and angst filled lunch with random unknowns interupting conversations I head out back to work and back to the tasks I have at hand there. Of course I put my hood back up, not only due to the fact that the sky has a tendency to send an onslaught upon me at any moment but also because my jacket has been drenched in rain and the collection of it has started to seep through the edges so its always good to keep parts seperated so the collection area is smaller at my back. However to my shock the sky has relinquished its dripping state and turned into a cloud filled and still dreary but warm afternoon haze. I'm still keeping my hood up though just for good measure. The hilarious part of this whole situation is how many people you walk by, they are all staring at you as if you're insane cause you're still shielding yourself from this non-existant downpour. A few ladies walked steadily past me and of course gave me the double take then stare down at their umbrellas unsure of whether they should tell me that 'dear its not raining' or whether they should put up their umbrellas in a foreboding feeling that I can predict the future. Not two minutes after I step through the door at work does the sky open up again and come down in huge and fast drops. I certainly hope the ladies took my hood wearing as a sign and put up their umbrellas cause if not they definitely got soaked. hee hee...

On another note, I have started my cardio blast program at the local high school gym and love it already! Out of the 12 people attending there are only two men hee hee they feel quite out of place but I'm sure they're enjoying their situation. After getting thoroughly exhausted with all the tae bo moves and the jogging I am ready to head home and get some cold, cold, cold and I mean cold water in me. Have you ever noticed that no other temperature other then extremely cold straight out of the fridge water can taste so good and quench your thirst so quickly? I have and I relish it. I'm craving some now... dang water coolers that don't let the water cool enough... I have to drink my tepid water here at my desk while I crave for my freezing cold water sitting at home on the top shelf of my fridge.... *sigh* sometimes its great to have a plan and follow through with it. I always say to myself, 'Today! you're going to bring in your water bottle that you have frozen in the freezer and you're going to keep it in the fridge and take it out as you need it.' As of yet it still has not left my freezer. hee hee...

On that note, enjoy rainy days and hope for the thunder and lightning storms that come with them, cause usually always somewhere at the end of a rainstorm theres a rainbow.

I've got my eyes on you 

Have you ever noticed?

Have you ever noticed that when the weekends go by so fast its because you did absolutely nothing during it? Thats how my weekend went, although I can't say I did absolutely nothing ALL weekend but for the most part. The best part about it is it feels good to do nothing! The worst part is the wee hours before the clock tones the time for you to head for bed on sunday night and you dread the waking hours cause you know you have to get up and start your work week again. I tell you though waking up at 5:30 in the morning was something I dreaded but once you get used to it your body automatically makes the transition and wakes you up before the alarm ever starts to blare. I miss the extra five minutes of sleep that I can get in before I have to drearily crawl myself out of bed while I watch my handsome bf curl up into a ball on my side of the bed and clutch my pillow to him. I'm jealous that he gets to sleep an extra hour and a half but at the same time I love to see him curl up with my pillow just cause he can't cuddle up to me. *sigh* Mondays seem to go on forever but once you reach hump day (wednesday for all those who aren't up on the hump day lingo) the week begins to fly by. COME ON HUMP DAY! hahaha

With that thought in mind enjoy your Monday as you will, either it be your usual routine or a variation of the same I hope it goes quickly for you and happily return to your home and sleep a fulfilling sleep to tide you over till tomorrow.