So as you can tell I'm having a really s**tty day. I feel like I'm living a lie sometimes, like my life has taken a course I haven't travelled in forever but I'm stuck on the track meanwhile my brain wants to veer totally off course and strike out on its own. The emotions of turmoil from within cause my heart to pound one second and then die to almost nothing the next all the while my shell of a body goes through my usual mundane schedule of daily life accordingly. I keep getting thrown curveballs left, right and centre and no matter how much I think I'm prepared for them I can never connect with one and make a perfect hit *sigh* I sometimes wish I could have a closet fortune teller who could tell me the future and tell me which path is the best path to choose for me but at the same time I believe we all have a destiny and no matter what everyday life throws at us we'll all end up at where we were pre-destined to be. I am so conflicted with life, mostly my homelife at the moment I'm at a total loss as to what to do with it, no matter how hard you try to be something for someone else at the end of it all you're not happy cause you weren't yourself and maybe you made that person happy for one measly second but the next day if you go back to being you the maniacal cycle starts all over again. Always ending with someone being put out and hurt. ARGH! Matters of the heart are so hard to deal with, especially if you are engrossed in another individual as much as I am that you can't picture life without them in it. I hate being torn but at the same time it makes me feel something at least and that's always better then feeling nothing at all. The worst part of everything is trying to communicate with someone who doesn't feel as open about it as you do. Trying to crack that outer shell and get to that special nut. My shells been cracked and my nut is showing and every time it gets marred it starts to piece its shell back together around itself for protection. I want to be back in my safe cosy shell but at the same time I want to be out and free.
I'll leave with this piece of advice: No matter how tough things are between two people who really care about eachother at the end of it all there's love and if the love isn't there you will know by the actions you take on that make you build not one shell around yourself but two or even three, if you totally shell yourself up from the person in question and never let it budge then its time to find another who you can open your shell up again. I know from experience that once you find that someone who no matter how many hard times you go through you still have a missing piece left after you start to build your shell, even a meagre little space where you're still peeking through then you have found someone you belong with. Someone who makes it extremely impossible no matter what to build an entire shell up to protect yourself from. Hold tight to those ones, times are tough sometimes but at the end of it all there's true love.
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