I am so paranoid. Life just never wants to work properly for me. I want to be happy, I want to live without stress, I want to know I am special and loved and needed and adored but its obviously too much to ask. I have discovered things about "us" that I don't really know that I can live with. The talking has taken us in directions that are totally different then what they were before. Its like I'm living with this man I don't even know, he told lies to keep me happy to make me feel welcome to pull me in, then once I was in and my heart was entangled the web of deceit started to shamble to pieces in the breeze. He's not who I thought he was and the big question for me now is do I want to be with the man he is? Do I want to live and have kids and make a home with this utter and complete stranger? I know that I love him, but do I love who he was or who he is? thats the hard question for me. We want different things in life, all of a sudden he doesn't believe in marriage, when we first met he was the one who talked all the time about making me his wife... it used to make me freak out but I got used to the idea when I realized how much I was involved with him and how my heart felt about him... only to have the blindfold pulled off of my eyes and to discover that he didn't want any of that he doesn't know if he even will. He doesn't know if he wants to have kids because of the financial burden... I feel if you want kids you have them because you want to pass on your genes to another human. You become a better person when you have children, you learn, you love, you laugh and you live to be a parent. I want that, he does... but there are hurdles and road blocks to it... there shouldn't be. If you love the person and want to have children with them... thats all that matters everything else you work on to make it work. I want a dog. He has just realized that he hates dogs. However when we met he wanted a duschand (weiner dog), we used to talk about our dogs playing together and how we would get a cat just to keep them company while we were at work. Now all of a sudden... I'm selfish cause I want a dog and I'm going to get what I want... from day one I told him my intentions and I haven't changed, never will. He's decided if I want one then I can live by myself with one, but yet he still wants to be with me... just not be with me because I would have a dog? WHAT THE FUCK! Its ridiculous, all these conditions, all these terms, all this bullshit lies that come out of the closet in arguments and disaggreements. He says he wants me to be happy, and if I'm not happy with him then I should leave him. Is that his way of saying I want to be alone, I don't want you anymore? I am so confused... my trust in him is broken, I'm a jealous, nervous, spiteful person because of him I hate myself because of him. I need to be without him... I can't stand to be without him... god I don't know what to do
