Okay so I've been holding back alot on this here blog thingy, thats partly the reason I put off writing in it. Do I really want people to know how neurotic I can be? Do I want to take the chance of being discovered and have my whole world come crashing in on me because of my everyday issues I like to vent on here? Can I get past all that shit and just talk some truth? I'm turning over a new leaf, I know, cliche, but hey it works. I will start with my neurotic snooping, I am terrible for it. I like to know what my other half is doing, I want to know if he's hiding something from me but at the same time I don't want to find out because I don't know how to confront him with the subject that concerns me without telling him I know exactly what he's up to cause I have been spying on him. Does that make me a horrible person? Not wanting to have anything hidden from me but at the same time wanting to be totally oblivious. Do I ask too much of him? Do I expect too much from him that underlying it all nobody could ever stand up to? I did write a post about his endeavour into the seamy underworld of 'camming' following unsuspecting female victims around with a camcorder and video taping them and selling the videos online. It repulsed me. I couldn't believe that the whole time he had me totally fooled into thinking he was working hard all day long, landscaping and gardening at a rich mans property with his brother-in-law in order to better our lives and help us out for our future, while at least part of the time he spent away from me he was following other women around and he can say whatever he wishes about that fact that it means nothing but income to him but seriously he is male he has to at least like the ass he is taping in order to bother to follow it around for blocks upon blocks. I was so upset when I first saw him at the flea market, I had no clue what he was doing, but just as I was about to approach him and say hello, I saw the camera, the red light flashing, the direction it was pointed and the object his eyes were following. I was shocked, dumbstruck, stuck in the middle of this crowded parking lot with booths of random peoples junk surrounding me and people pushing to get closer. It was like I was frozen in my own nightmare. I ran away, full of conflicting emotions, trying to rationalize things away. He couldn't have been doing what I thought he was, he loves me, he wants only me, he doesn't want to watch other females, he doesn't lust after other women when he has me to keep him happy and satisfied, boy was I wrong. I still have issues with it even though he has stated over and over again, of course angrily because he wasn't getting his way, that he never will do it again. But yet everytime he walks out that door. I search for the cameras. I search his hidden spot where he keeps all his tapes that he has lied about the amount of. I peruse for new stuff, the unfamiliar and when I find it I explore it to see if there is something new there. I hate living like this. Why do I stay in this constant state of turmoil? is it because I love him? or is it because I don't want to be alone? Is it because I don't want to start out anew? There are so many things wrong that make me think about our relationship and really think about if I want to deal with all the issues that keep arising. Wondering if things will ever change or will they only get worse.
